Three words to stop an argument.

You’re probably familiar with arguments that go something like this:

“You said you were going to take the trash out this week.”

“No I didn’t, you said you were!”

“No, I did it last week, you promised you wouldn’t forget!”

Or like this:

“I can’t believe you bought that without talking to me first!”

“I did talk to you! You said it was fine!”

“No I did not! I would never have agreed to something so expensive.”

And on and on… we end up hung up on arguing about what actually happened, each stuck on our own version of reality.

The problem with this is it’s not even addressing the root of the conflict. It’s pointless to try to convince each other that our memory is right and theirs is wrong. The truth is, memory is consistently less reliable than we think and we could both be wrong.

But, what really happened isn’t even important to resolve a conflict like this. It doesn’t matter what happened in the past, it matters how we feel about it right now and why we’re upset.

Here are three simple words that can help resolve conflicts like this: “If I did.”

“If I did say I was going to take the trash out and then didn’t do it, I’m sorry. I should have remembered.”

“If I did buy that without consulting you, I’m sorry. You’re right, we should always talk before spending that much money.”

If we can each take a step back and imagine that the other person’s version of reality is correct (even if you are SURE that it is not), then, we can see why their feelings are hurt. It’s pointless to try to convince them that it didn’t happen. Instead, we can acknowledge their hurt feelings and the validity of being hurt if the situation did happen as they remember.

Once you’re able to take the ego hit and apologize for something that you may or may not have done, the tension dissipates immediately. You’re validating their emotions and experience, and showing that you care more about the relationship itself than about being “right.” The relationship is restored and you can be back on the same team to problem-solve.

“How can we make sure to remember to take the trash out next week?”

“Should we return this purchase or would you be OK with us keeping it?”

“If I did” can be a powerful tool for stalemate arguments where you can’t seem to agree on what actually happened. Forget trying to be right, acknowledge the emotions in your partner, and try to see the situation from their perceived reality (even if you are SURE it’s not true).

Do you ever find yourself in relationship hangups like this one? Whether it’s a romantic relationship or a work relationship, coaching can help you grow in conflict resolution and other relationship-saving communication strategies.