What fights can tell you about yourself.
Have you ever had a fight that ended in a stalemate and left you feeling confused? Those frustrating, confusing disagreements can offer profound insights into our core values.
Core values are the central tenets of who we are, defining what truly matters to us. Everyone has multiple core values specific to them that have been formed over time. You may not even be aware of what yours are. Core values are those beliefs that we cannot NOT uphold—it's just who we are. For example, someone with a core value of "honesty" might be described as "honest to a fault" and tell the truth even when it doesn't benefit them or make sense to others. When our values clash with other people’s values, disagreements get drawn out and can even seem impossible to resolve.
One example of conflicting core values could be if someone chooses to withhold the truth from you to maintain the peace. If one of your core values is "honesty," you may feel that person is being dishonest or hiding something. Yet, they may feel that they are working to preserve the relationship because of their core value of “harmony.”
Another example of a core values conflict could be between the values of "loyalty" and "mercy." The person who upholds loyalty above all might expect their friends to be the "ride or die" type and hold grudges against those who have hurt them. However, a person who feels "mercy" is one of the core pieces of who they are will not be able to maintain unforgiveness against others, and their friend may view this as disloyalty.
It can be difficult to find a resolution to situations like these, especially if the values conflict is not recognized. Each party will feel that they are "right" and the other is “wrong,” but it is important to note that when it comes to core values there is no inherent "good" or "bad,” core values are neutral. Realizing this can help us navigate conflicts with more understanding rather than trying to force our way and our beliefs on another.
There is no convincing someone out of their core values, and so it can be tricky to resolve values conflicts. The best way to approach this is to explain your point of view and the value you are trying to uphold. Then, ask them to explain theirs and do your best to see the good in them and their beliefs. Once you identify the core values at play on both sides, you can work together to find a solution that respects both of your values.
If a compromise cannot be found, clear boundaries and expectations of the relationship need to be made. That might mean concluding that you two are not able to be as close right now due to the incompatibility and taking a step back from the relationship could be healthy.
Solving complex relationship problems like these is a common topic in coaching. If you find yourself grappling with similar conflicts or would like to clarify your core values, coaching can help! I am here to offer a non-judgmental space for you to navigate relationship conflicts and enhance your self-awareness. Check out my coaching packages or schedule a free consultation to learn more.
